musing mondays a finale { part two }

as the sun laughs through the blinds
and the thoughts run through your mind
all the things you forgot to say
they begin to fade away
the heart is the heart of humanity*

there are so many words i want to say. but articulation fails me.

a friend said, “if it’s hard to say goodbye, then you’re doing it right”.  part one of this finale was the story of how i walked through new beginnings and found renewal in my identity through college. this post is the final page in the chapter. the conclusion paragraph. the double bar line.

how do i say goodbye, when there is much left unsaid? when our stories together are unfinished and it ain’t over yet…. but we still have to part. say adieu, 再見, and adios amigos. is that all? is it okay to leave half your heart in nooks and crannies not knowing if you will  find your way back one day? some day…?  when your lives are so intertwined that moving forwards mean saying goodbye to a part of your own heart. i think of the moment when harry potter realizes that he won’t be able to return to hogwarts ever again as a student because his calling is to find all the horcruxes so that voldemort can be vanquished, once and for all (ifthisisaspoileryouneedhelpgetyourselfovertothelibsandreadharrypotter-NOW).  there is no turning back. so my heart aches and weeps.

it’s in the heartbreaks when all i can say is hallelujah. 

the last lasts start and /they/just/don’t/stop/

i try to numb myself but my heart keeps growing to embrace new feelings and souls, even ’til the very end. maybe it will hurt less if i walk out this door with my eyes closed? the heart beats on. the rhythm is constant, the steady drumbeat guiding my steps away.

i turn around for a fleeting peek. surprised that i do not instantly turn into a pillar of salt, — i gasp. instead, there is a thousand hearts glittering and smiling at me, hands waving, voices cheering me on to take that next step past the door. no goodbyes, only the echoes of “can’t wait to join you” and “i am so excited for you”! maybe then, the sad goodbyes will start to disappear.

transform my heart to breathe goodbyes and exhale hellos.

till we meet again

He can’t be done with us yet

*(goodbyes – the heart of humanity) all the night – the modern nomads
**italicized are all quotes from all the night.
***inspired by, not sponsored by.
*****love you guys.
*****this is the last musing monday (for now)

musing mondays a finale { part one }

hello,

this semester i have learned how to muse, how to wonder, how to push myself to express and feel joy even in the midst of struggle titanics and monster waves. i have breathed many long sighs and discovered the newness of life among dark nights and seen many full moons come to pass. i have triumphed over long academic papers where i have tried to be an expert on a number of fantastical topics, from human trafficking to nation-building to public diplomacy, and us-china relations. i have created drawings and portraits and prints of trees and wolves and hot air balloons.

the feeling when you reach the summit of a mountain is amazing. you feel like you’re on top of the world because you’ve just conquered a little piece of nature. but you can’t stay at the top forever. eventually, you have to trek back down. getting into college seemed a sky-high impossible dream 4 years ago. here i am now. i have journeyed to the top and i have little regrets. it has been a fine mountain, college. there were moments where i wanted to give up, when assignments seemed impossible, i just couldn’t get statistics/microeconomics, or i simply managed my time poorly and procrastinated, yet again. the rocks i had to scramble, and the endless paths upwards all seem tiny from the top of my mountain.

i will probably (most definitely) be carded until i am 40, but at 22 the change resonates the most inwardly. my belief systems have found deep roots, and more than ever, i am more confident in who i was created to be. i have found inspiration in people and places. i have dreamed possibilities that will one day become realities. i have created friendships that will last for eternity, even though we may not ever serve together again, or live in the same city/state/country/continent. i have let my heart wander and settle and given pieces of it away to northwest d.c., my beloveds already in far off places, and those close to home in nj & ny.

college has given me a glimpse of acts 2. i wrote that post 2&1/2 years ago…back when i wasn’t even invested into the #auxa community in the capacity i am now. but here i am, ready to close this chapter and take all i have learned and been pushed through to a new season. i’m starting from zero again but I’ll only be going forward from here on out. higher i reach, deeper i dive.

take me deeper than my feet can ever wander
and my faith will be made stronger
in the presence
of my savior*

* (oceans, where feet may fall) zion – hillsong united

musing mondays 1×9

“forty thousand three hundred and twenty minutes that i am cherishing day in and day out. it is in the daily that life is made infinite and eternal”

That was my facebook status yesterday night. I feel redundant about always talking about how ‘the end‘ is near, but it is like that elephant in the room that you just can’t stop talking about. So I’m going to talk about it some more because that is what I’m processing and mondays is when I muse about life and living [now] and [here].

Today I cheer to not looking back or forward and just here and now. My priorities are the people around me, the relationships that I am continue to thrive in and love whole-heartedly and the Mt. Everest of papers and presentations doesn’t get in the way of any of that. 

Half the battle is all in my head. Letting the stress get to me will only resolve in losing and prevent me from cherishing the little bits of life that is currently thriving around me. 

[snap]

sharing meals and laughs

[snap]

walking on the streets of northwest d.c. until our feet wear out

[snap]

looking across the street and oh haaay the national cathedral is my neighbor

[snap]

bumping into friends on the walk home 

[snap]

there mere fact that i can share life and dreams and hopes and joy and tears and challenges and run towards the light together with companions who understand, listen, and remains still in each moment is extraordinary, and so so brilliant. 

you are a child of light, and not of fear.

it is in those moments of feeling your calling so strongly you just desperately want to run away in the completely opposite direction.

then God shows up

he whispers in your ear, “child, don’t be a Jonah. be a Noah”.

you see, the prophet Jonah knew God very intimately. HE WAS A PROPHET for goodness’ sake! but when God asked him to tell the city of Nineveh they needed to repent, he ran away because he didn’t want to save the people of Nineveh. they didn’t deserve to know God’s glory or be saved. so he made a decision and that was to disobey. although my crossroads is not so extreme,  my heart is at the same place as Jonah’s. but i cannot stay in that place because “christ introduced [me] to God’s undeserved kindness on which [i] take [my] stand” { romans 5:2 }. therefore i must move onward and reflect the position Noah stood in, day in and day out… for ONE. HUNDRED. YEARS { genesis chapter 6 }. i will be a Noah and wait and persevere even when circumstances and people seem dumb and i look foolish.

i am not deserving or worthy of my calling. but i am made whole again and freed by a Savior who died for the sake of the world. so who am i,to say that others are undeserving of that same redemption. who am i to be angry at what others are not doing. my calling is to stand and persevere in the things God has given me to do, and not point fingers towards what others are not doing.

i cannot let the spirit of fear overcome my calling [brett fuller, xawr'13 session iii].

my calling is not  about me. my calling points to the hand that has called me to walk upon the waters where uncertainty lies and recognize the source.  training and intellect will only bring me so far but victory comes when i am on my knees.

musing mondays 1×8

i muse in hopes that each new day is better than the next.

celebrate,

because.

you.

are.

alive.

breathe in / breathe out.

the oxygen in your lungs, the blood pumping through your arteries.

allow a song to write itself

as the river brings you along in its currents

big & small / deep and wide

to a place where you belong.

musing mondays is a column dedicated to joy. no matter the circumstances, the challenges, and the tribulations of a week — this column can be something i will look back towards and remember to zoom out & think about the bigger picture. that challenges are only momentary and joy will come in the morning.

c h o o s e joy

i choose a lifestyle that wrestles with the dark and depravity that is life,
and in the overflow breathes a light that goes beyond wandering hearts and restless souls.
this place i am in is no different from the next, but with every beat,
my heart says yes to remaining in joy.
i run and run and run, but the end seems no closer, only further away from my grasp.
the seasons rise and fall, and i keep running homeward.
people come and go, i roam from city to city, unable to stay in one place for too long
joy is my most constant and true companion.
c h o o s e  j o y

she loves deeply, spreads her wings and covers all of you
joy sees you in the heartache, the sorrow grief, rage, bitterness, and the monster you try to push inside
joy tells you the story of hope and brings you to a place where you are safe and loved
joy reminds your soul that there is more to you that you see
&  you are worth it all.

c h o o s e  j o y
and you will find rest

musing mondays 1×7

it’s not monday. but this column is not about the monday. it’s about the joy of a new week, the safe anchor I can hold onto  every week when the storms are windy and breezes rock my little boat in the midst of the crazy storm. 

i have little words for you this week, but to hold on, my heart because each day is precious and worth living. YOU are worth living and the moment you are in? it is infinite. the tears may be rolling down your face and everything feels broken, but all those tears are diamonds that make you beautiful and strong. stay in the [in] because there is going to be a through and there IS a light at the end of the dark.

my main jam says all the words necessary:

Farther along we’ll know all about it 
Farther along we’ll understand why 
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine 
We’ll understand this, all by and by
[josh garrels - farther along]

musing mondays is a column dedicated to joy. no matter the circumstances, the challenges, and the tribulations of a week — this column can be something i will look back towards and remember to zoom out & think about the bigger picture. that challenges are only momentary and joy will come in the morning.