Fall nights

I really felt like a college student today!

I went to Georgetown shopping area to buy some shirts for my NEW JOB at the Greenburg Theatre that’s affiliated with AU with a friend from small group that I haven’t had a chance to hang with the entire semester. It was just really light-hearted talk & chilling and being in the Georgetown area was just .. wow. Windy weather, dark night with the dim old-ish lighting casting over us, fellowship = so easy and fun. We ended up at this tucked away crepe/bubble tea shop to sit down and rest haha. I got what I wanted to and we popped into a couple stores to window shop and look at what we couldn’t buy. AKA BCBG Maxira — too expensive! Haha, it’s fun to dream — of when we get those Georgetown rich boyfriends who could hang over their credit cards so we can shop to our heart’s content! Just kidding! <3

It was definitely a great way to end my ‘week’ because I feel like starting tomorrow … my life is going to get SUPERRR busy! [:

Insomnia

This is going to be a ramble of thoughts because for what seems to be the fourth/fifth day in a row, I am experiencing some severe insomnia (cue Craig David’s Insomnia). So here I am, sitting in bed listening to my K-Pop and trying to do something productive. Homework is so OUT of the question because I’m not even sure if I’m in a right state of mind to be doing that stuff. I don’t know what to do about this “can’t sleep” thing. Part of it is related to me almost falling asleep and being waken by a loud noise in the dorms and not being able to sleep again. UGH.

Been having some good conversations with people — trying to really make an effort to reach out to friends and hang out and have productive bonding time, haha. But really, it’s such a big effort. Sometimes I feel so lazy (like today) and don’t want to do anything but lay on my bed and watch movies.

Maybe one of the reasons I’ve been sleeping poorly = “mental stress.” More is on my mind than I realize and the barrage of  thoughts and overwhelming has no outlet to go to. Eh, I’ve been doing devotions really aweseomely thou. Still not caught up with the current day, so doing 2-3 a day to compensate. I’m going back to journaling (today’s journal had pictures -.-) and that helps put down a lot of thoughts. But it’s still lacking compared to the enormity of what goes on in my brain.

Thinking about image some. Physical image (I need to work out) and projected image. Trying to work out who I am and accept that and be okay + confident about it. Maybe what I need is do something out of the ordinary and release all my IDK even what. Hopefully this week may bring that (: I need to dance … scream … shout … be craaaazy. I have a shortness complex My height always makes me feel younger than I am, but apparently I don’t emit that because I was discussing/complaining bout this issue and I’ve gotten rebuttals on it. I always got a nice comment saying that I was mature, so whoo?

i miss this

friday oct 2 – sunday oct 4

So this is my decompression of the retreat I went to over the weekend with Chi Alpha at Virginia Beach. It was seriously an awesome weekend of God + fellowship + relaxation. Like I definitely hadn’t been so relaxed in awhile — probably since school started. This retreat was definitely one-of-its-kind, the most ‘chill’ one I’ve been on. In terms of structure and activities, there wasn’t a thousand things planned — just worship sesh + message. Other than that, CHILL & DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! That part made it pretty awesome, because it left a lot of time for me to slow down — talk to people — get to know them more — and enjoy nature.

My most memorable moments are spent with people. Not always engaging, but sometimes simply sitting alongside the chatter and listening and basking in the presence of people. There’s just something SO comfortable being in the presence of other Christians.God has really been teaching me the concept of rest, and here was another lesson in it: rest to enjoy others, in a place where I could be myself without any inhibitions.

The other things I felt God pointed out to me was music + more openness about who I am. Because of my annoying personality trait that always desires to please others, I will tweak/hide things about myself, like religion to adapt to the people around me. I think coming back home instead of just saying I went to the virginia beach, I specifically mentioned that I attended a Christian fellowship. That’s the first step, haha.

Musically — wow. Seems like all the people I surrounded myself with at retreat had some sort of crazy awesome musical talent, which is something I always suppress in myself. I love music, listening to it and such but for some reason I don’t have that p.a.s.s.i.o.n. to play it. It was actually a little before retreat when I mused over this fault of mine, having the skill but not the desire to utilize it. More of my fear b/c I’m not the best piano player so yeah. But I’m not sure how I will be revitalized, something’s happening

As I go back into the swing of academics, I probably won’t see my fellow ChiAlphans as much as I would like to, but as with all lovely Christian friends that doesn’t matter much cuz there’s something about GOd that connects and sparks friendships. <3

Nervousness

Housing & Dining have finally assigned a roommate for me. I’m feeling all sorts of anxiety, I don’t even understand. It’s probably because I’ve been by myself for so long and there’s someone else who’s going to be living in the same room as me for at least a whole year and get to see the ‘real me’ whatever that means. Way for these feelings to be 1&1/2 month delayed.

On another note, I’ve been feeling more satisfied and content than I have been for awhile. Of course, there’s always ’school stress’ but that’s academia for you. It’s okay to be stressed. That means you’re being challenged. Well — procrastination could be a factor too. I’ve been catching up with a lot of old friends, renewing relationships and such. Making new friends too — that’s what college is for. I’m slowly getting to actually get to know people (and I hope vice versa is happening tooo … )

On terms of budgeting, I was having a  REALLY hard time resisting Creative Recreation’s 70% off sale (DAILYCANDY for those who want superr cheap & quality sneakers? haha). But I was smart in consulting someone before clicking the “checkout” button. I talked to Alex and explained to him all my budgeting stuff and gave him a rundown of how much I spent on luxury items and it turns out that in this month I’ve spent over $100? That may not seem a lot, but it does add up and I should be saving and not spending, especially since I have URBANA’09 coming up. The only problem is that I recently got my paycheck from JubiLTS and it’s hard to resist when there’s a nice little chunk of money sitting in my bank account. {I really need to call Wachovia and ask them how to transfer money from checkings –> savings .. it’s strange how I can’t do it myself online.} Anyways, so after talking to Alex  – we both decided it would be a good idea that even thou CR was having an uber good sale, I should resist shopping temptation and wait to buy new footwear Hopefully I’ll be able to put a stop to all extraneous spending besides groceries until I go home for thanksgiving. Yeah, gotta be on this financial deal — my parents (and the govt) are spending their hard earned money on my college education and I need to live life to the very cent.

{ rest

Wow, two posts in a day. Hadn’t been thinking about posting, but since I’m up late (once again) anyways, I was moved to write.

Thursday Night Worship with Chi Alpha Fellowship. Funny how I’m the same person no matter which church thingy I’m at. It’s nice that I’m not fake thou (: I’m true to who I am and don’t change my level of “spirituality” depending on where I am and who is around me. Today was just one of those days when God gave me his once every couple months rhetoric — which is to rest. I was doing fine during worship, sang passionately and everything but once it got to sermon time I found myself straining and dyingggg of tiredness. Since this was a new enviornment, I did my best to stay awake since not everyone’s like Manni/May and lets me sleep during message-time. But of course how well did my “trying to stay awake” work? Superr bad. And then Mike (the speaker) did this altar call and wow I closed my eyes to pray and … passed out. When they were singing one last song at the end, I couldn’t even open my eyes it hurt so bad – I was that tired.

My body’s just one broken shell — mostly physically but of course emotionally / spiritually too. I really cannot keep treating GOd’s temple like this. My body, God’s temple. Equally important. It must be carried down genetically from my parents and mutated when I recieved the ‘rest’ strain because I really don’t know how to rest properly. Yes, I love sleep wayyyy too much, but I don’t get enough of it. I sleep at all the wrong times and it’s gonna srsrly hurt my body if I keep on doing this. Not only rest-sleep, but resting in God. I was giving advice to someone who was telling how she hasn’t been spending time with God at all — to go outside and enjoy God in the nature. But have I been doing that? Yeah, read the Bible/my devotion books, but no real substantial prayer and peace in Him.

hillsong united – found

motivation

So everything I’ve been hearing recently has lead me to the conclusion that more blogging/writing in general will somehow lead me to a better occupation. My new goal is to blog at least 3 times a week instead of say, once a month.

I guess I’ll have to vary it between meaningless daily ramblings / the occasional thoughts of my over-thinking self. I’ll leave it at that …

hopefully my current state of mind will turn from

to this!

of new beginnings

Today is my officially 4th day of college student life. I’ve decided that I would stay in my room today and reflect, relax, and rest before the storm ‘really’ hits me. I already see how college life is SO different from say, high school — the academia, the drive, the social life; but I don’t know about me. It’s kinda crazy that the ‘huge questions’ area already hitting me. As I meet new people and engage myself; I keep asking myself: “how do I want to present myself? what kind of person do I want to be” and because of that, it’s been kind of strange (I’ll keep from using the word weird). At times I will be friendly and smile and say hi to everyone I come across but on the other hand, towards establishing friendships/relationships … I’m still hesistant.

The crux of this hesitance is really fear and a constant comparing. I’m still not confident in who I am and take my life and put it against the other people that I do know and compare them.

And among all those other thoughts is where God fits in with all of this. I can clearly see how simple it is to walk away from God at this point. But I don’t want that. I want college to strengthen and empower me to become a stronger symphony that lives for Him not in words or eloquent writing; but in action and lifestyle.

It’s a mess of emotions/thoughts/and reflection, but this is only the start and I know if I keep following and not always listen to my feelings … I’m well on my way.

summer / jubiLTS

Working at JubiLTS this summer for May (Jie) sooo it’s a pretty intense 9AM-5PM, six week sessh of work until I move in to college? With 12 crazy kids, 3 volunteers, and James [partner/teacher]. We’re assigned journals as homework for reflection & also so May can understand how we’re doing everyday so I thought it would be nice for me to blog it here for people who want to know how LTS is going and what I’m doing. Once May gives me my journal back, I’ll catch up blogging about week 1.

Our theme this year is “LOVE” & our devos are from the ‘40 day lovedare’ devo thing, so it’s pretttty intense stuff.  <3

phoebe's arts & crafts!

losing some

Today’s the second to last day of school and I lost my wallet. My wallet that contains my Macy’s gift card with a good amt of $ left inside; driver’s lisence, $30ish in cash, health insurance card, random mementos, and debit card. Cloudy Monday, don’t you think? It’s quite ironic that we’re currently doing the Crown Studies Money Seminar at CLL right now. And it just so happened that one of the lessons I learned yesterday was that none of my possessions = mine. It’s all God’s money. So while I was kinda just, freaking out … what resounded in my head was, “Damnit! Even if I never get all my stuff back…I lost God’s money. So it wasn’t really mine to lose. Did God allow my wallet to go bye-bye?!” And here’s another thought, “Uhm, this is bad? I’m losing God’s stuff. How responsible of me.”

I guess if this situation was seperate from the other impending stress I have related to money, namely my college tuition. Apprarently, American is not giving me the entire picture about my financial aid package, therefore me (and my parents) are paying more than expected. HELLO? Where is the money going to come from …. uhh … my parents barely make enough to sustain our family every month! And so something else from yesterday’s study was that God says its a bad idea to go into debt. If so, then how is he going to provide for my college education? In the back of my mind, I know He’s gonna pull through, because looking back at our family’s history of these past 10 years, there’s no way we could have survived to this day without Godly financial intervention. It’s that same lesson — seeing the bigger picture through God’s lens, something I don’t always do / know how to do.

Whatever happens to my wallet, I hope someone out there will gain from it. That’s some God-blessed money there, it better be put to good use! =/

unwavering trust ♥

Everything just seemed to have gotten a lot harder. Just when I started to begin to believe in myself and think that I was getting a tad more ’spiritual,’ I’m overwhelmed. In the course of what, three weeks after TECBC’09, everything just seems to fall apart. Or maybe I had been deluding myself before in thinking that life was happy and dandy and God is finally lifting the veil? Whatever option it is, I really have no idea and you know what? It doesn’t really matter because no matter the cause — it still is a pretty damn hard path to follow right now.

I’ve never seen the temptations of the flesh so clearly at this point in my life. And the problem is, sometimes I just / do give in to them because it’s simply SO easy. I’ve conformed and let myself go so much that I don’t know how to be myself anymore. It’s not just once or twice, but all the time, I see myself saying one thing but believing/thinking the complete opposite inside. I really do not know how to say how I really feel, how to stand up for myself, and not be so freaking passive and “understanding” to other people. Understanding is not equal to agreement, something I need to start practicing … NOW.

Maybe it’s my “save the world” mentality, something Joanna accredits to being a PK. Maybe it is, or maybe my personality is like that … but the war of detachment and need of other humans constantly contend and flicker in my brain. I can totally be fine sitting in the corner by myself just thinking whatever I’m thinking and being myself, but because I care so much about what others think about me; I’m blocked from doing just that. Am I overanalyzing myself? Is it that I think too much into the situation and not just act out and go along with the feeling at the moment? If so, I better start learning how to do that, because I absolutely do not know how to do that.

Have I lived my life so long with the constant reminders of my mother’s strict protocol that I can’t decided for myself the difference between right and wrong? Or is it that I’ve associated those family rules with God for so long that I can’t tell them apart and discern for myself what God is REALLY trying to tell me?

The questions swirl in and out, only scratching the surface of my deeper and more painful questions. Sin, temptation, the Devil, and spiritual warfare are so apparent through my eyes but every time I feel like I’m judging, I take a step back and look at myself and all the darkness clouding my soul. My vision is skewed once more and the grey lines appear, blurring black and white into dust.

{ Lord I give you control / Consume me from the inside out Lord / Let justice and praise become my embrace / To love You from the inside out } Am I really giving trust & control up and lifting it from my burdens into God’s hands? Or is it just like the song that’s been on constant repeat this week, la mentira?